Sunday, November 16, 2003
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The Documentary On Sammy Hau

About a year ago, me, Tobias, Tobias' brother Pong Wei, and a crazy ape-man named Sammy and his girlfriend went on a trip to Reno, Nevada. We were half-drunk and confused most of the time. However, that is besides the point. Through this trip, I have gathered information on the ape-man that accompanied us and the findings are incredible. Below is a documentary on the anger patterns, moments of happiness and passiveness of Sammy, the ape-man, jujitsu blackbelt, scary mother f-er. (The censorship is only to save my own life if Sammy ever reads this. Cause f-er can mean many things. Wait, n/m, he'd still try to break something.)

Subject Information:
Name: Sammy Hau
Residence: UCSC
Martial Status: Dating
Weight: ~200LB
Height: ~ 6'2''
Skills: Adv. Proficiency in Jujitsu; the art of take-downs and limb breaking.
Proficiency in computer science. (First ape-man ever to achieve this.)
Proficiency with edge weapons and blunt weapons.
Master of "Ten-Thousand Years of Pain" maneuver. (Watch the anime Naruto.)
Notes: Can invoke a rabies like rage when irritated.

Observations:

Day 1: 8:30 PM Reno, Nevada

Exhibit 1:

Sammy is lulled and calm as his girlfriend entices him onto the bed. He is filled with joy for about 3 minutes until he realized that Tobias had taken a picture of him. He gets angry and makes a mental note about how he needs to "massacre" Tobais. The rest of the night goes without incident because Sammy is calm with food and drink until...

Day 2: 3:15 AM Reno, Nevada

Exhibit 2:

Pong Wei yelps in pain as Sammy strikes with medical-grade precision with his "Ten-Thousand Years of Pain." Pong Wei is immediately out and unable to fight back. Sammy, now with a taste of violence wants more. Just for good measure, Pong Wei is half-sufficated with the hotel-room pillow while being in some crazy ass Jujitsu hold. Tobias and I watch on in horror as Tobias manages to step out of his shock and snap a picture of our reactions. The flash startles the ape-man and he begins his to move toward us. We are in complete and utter horror.

Exhibit 3:

He begins to taunt Tobias and I for our upcomming demise. He reminds Tobias that he still owes him an ass beating for the picture he took previously of him on the bed with his girlfriend. Tobias is thinking of whether or not to run. He realizest that he cannot outrun him and braces for the upcomming impact of the enraged ape-man. Pong Wei is still out.

Exhibit 4:

With lightning-like movements, Sammy is behind Tobias and takes him down with a hip-toss. When he is down, he puts him in a figure four and prepares to administer his special maneuver. The "Ten-Thousand Years of Pain" is viciously applies and Tobias grunts in pain. Sammy then has the suffering Tobias in his famous headlock. Finally, after some head beatings with his giant fists, Tobias is down on the ground out, just like his brother. Amy, Sammy's girlfriend is laughing her ass off at this point. At first, I am preparing to bolt out the door and yell FIRE and RAPE, but Sammy is calmed by the destruction that lay before him and he is satisfied for now. He goes and cuddles with the hysterical Amy.

Day 2: 5:12 AM Reno, Nevada

Tobias and Pong Wei are still suffering from the "Ten-Thousand Years of Pain" but they are conscious. A game of catch begins in the hotel room with a stuffed football. We begin a system of when the ball is dropped a person loses a life and each person starts with 3 lives, but can gain lives when they successfully catch the ball. I am thrown the ball by a stiff Pong Wei and I catch it. Then I throw the ball lightly as Amy, but a finger slipped and the ball was thrown with a low arc. The ball hits her gently on her .. chest and she gives out a little squirming sound. The nerves in Sammy's head exploded and I try to yell a "Dear God! I'm Sorry!" but before I could get past the Dear part, Sammy dissapeared.

Exhibit 5:

It hit me like twenty-thousand car accidents. I was lifted by his charge onto a bed where he proceded to ready me for some Jujitsu limb breaking maneuver. I was half unconscious and was trying to run toward the light. Before I could reach the light, the bones in my left arm began to make a cruching sound and I knew I didn't want him to tear out my arm. I screamed in a desperate fury and managed to elbow him in the chin. Stunned but nothing more, he procceded to attempt a "Ten-Thousand Years of Pain" upon me. It hit, but without such precision as Pong Wei's share and I crumpled up in pain.

Exhibit 6:

Sammy tossed me off the bed and let me wither up to die. Everyone was in a collaborated hysterical laughing frenzy as I slipped between this world and the next. I decided to play dead to stall further assaults. The pain eventually lessened, but remnants still lingered.

Day 2: 6:20 AM Reno, Nevada

Everyone had almost made a complete recovery from the attacks and the alcohol in our systems started to dilute with the blood. Things began to get slow and tiring for everyone and we began to think about sleep. Before this occured, Pong Wei let loose some bodily gas and began laughing. Sammy was upon him immediately, in a beserk-like frenzy. After Pong Wei was well blacked out, we all had to try to stop laughing. Sammy and Amy began to frolick under the covers and Tobias and I decided to goto sleep. The sun was begining to bother us but Sammy beat the shit outa the sun too and it stopped bothering us. The Coronas stopped making decision for us and we fell asleep, yes, even the rabies influenced Sammy.

Exhibit 7:

This concludes this evalution of the ape-man Sammy. Please, be cautious if you should ever come in contact with him.

Note: Sammy, I'm so fuckin sorry about this, but I couldn't resist. =)