Monday, March 15, 2004
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I am supposed to be doing my spanish essay/response thing, but I'm gonna procrastinate a 'lil more. Today I saw Eugene with raw knuckles. Man that was a weird feeling to see something like that. I could almost feel that itching, soaring, burning pain. Eugene was smiling though, crazy korean. To me, it was always a form of retribution, although, I never knew what I was repenting for. It's a great relief to focus on physical pain rather than mental and emotional turmoil. I can relate to those who slice their wrists with razors, just to a lesser extent. Yet, hyprocritically, I still discourage any self-mutilation.

People are getting on my nerves. They just ramble about stupid shit crap I don't give a fuck about nor would the rest of the world. Then their friends listen with utter facination and vomit back their idiotic responses. Now, if I was sane, this wouldn't get to me. But seeing that I've been clinically mentally unstable for many years now, society feels like its repeatedly stabbing the part of my brain which holds reason and all things intellectual. But like the insane bastard that I am, I go along with this flow of bullshit and help its course. Shit has to stop affecting me so much.

Finally, I find myself to be a very protective, easily insulted, virulent minded bastard. Or, I have all the merit in the world to be like this. How do I decide?

Finally, finally, I'm beginning to realize things. Not explainable things. Things that make me feel complete. Things that make the world stand still and allows me to stay with it, but just a slight step ahead of things. Grasping the ungraspable, then creating your own reality accordingly, that is the path of the content.
Stephen at 8:41 PM