Ya know what the world needs? The world needs more happy people. We don't need nice people, we don't need funny people, hell we don't need good people, but fuck, if the world had more happy people, then the world would improve ten-fold. I, myself, consider myself very fortunate. But does fortune bring about happiness? Well, to a certain degree. People can break, people can kill themselves, people can snap and kill others. The torment is really not getting to that phase and stuck between mediocracy. Eons ago I was stuck at the end of the spectrum. Suicide faded in and out, knuckles always chipped and bloody. Life sucked ass. I brooded in the shittyness of life. I let it fester and I let hate just come over me. Old friends really supported me back then. I still could run away from that hell and prod at the past, hoping to catch some glimpse of the nurtured happiness it had become. Alcohol came into the picture and the nights turned warm. Never got drunk though. In the constant crisis of just life, I felt an insatiable incompleteness about it. It was something that could not be filled, like a thousand days of hunger waiting to be fed. There was also nothing I could do about it but wait for it to lessen, wait for a chance to run away, wait for a chance to raise my BAL. Character is defined in moments of crisis. I found myself weak, stablilized only by the past and running from the present. Even after all the shit I've gone through with my family, I could not understand a little change of environment. Yes, this probably does sound overdone and stupid to most of you, but its what was running through my mind. The world turned and so did my thoughts. The melancholy frontyards and identical black mailboxes grew on me, as a part of me. Farther away I parted from the lives of my old friends, for good or for bad, its really up to individual perspective. Yes I was "saved" from gangs, drugs, violence, etc, but as I hear stories of my old friends getting stuck in a shooting at Stonestown or going to some party, I'd give anything to be there. But they lived it and I dreamt it. Years pass 2 and many people stop contacting me, 3 and people don't go on AIM anymore cause they are too busy. Four years and give years run along and even my closest friends, ones that I've known since pre-school, ones that I grew up with, suffered with, fought with, matured with, learned with, hated with, had to live their seperate lives and I understand it. So where do I stand? Life is comming, work, jobs, pay, all rushing at me and I'm still trying to figure out, between moving to this country, between hearing my mother cry into the night in a one room basement, between the blood lost with skinned knees and between friendships deserted, where do I stand? Old shattered images reside in my head still today, lingering, blackening the present and muddying the future. Some friends are dead. Some are Ivy League. Yet my memory of them will always be of the time when friendship shapes you, the time when you learned what the word loyalty meant, not from a dictionary, but from blood red anger after a friend takes a fall for you. These values are so obstructed in every aspect of my life right now. People change, ideas are molded, conclusions drawn.
So now we head for college and then life, then death. Whatever will become of this impartial feeling every now and then? When I hear of success of my old friends, I cringe and the green evil of envy envelopes me. To understand that I had the full ability to be on par with them. To continue helping those that needed to be helped and continue to lead those that wanted to follow. But all I can do is take a breath and sigh. Six years have past, and I still remember all this, and I still feel all this. Crazy ain't it? You know whats worse now? There isn't anymore hate for this place. I've grown quite accustomed to it. But the problem resides in the times when there are things that i cannot express to people who have grown up here with their set of values. There are times when i need to talk to people that can truely relate to what the hell i'm talking about. Those few people are fading away and soon they will be gone. True, we as teenagers are not essentially different, but through our life experiences, the mold of our characters have taken dramatic degrees of variance. I want to forget all I have gone through, I want to just let it go. I want to live without knowing what my parents have gone through, without knowing what my friends have gone through, without seeing it all. Then I can truely just live the last year here in peace, knowing nothing but this, loving it all.
If you read through all of this and find it stupid, then it is. If you read through it all and find this entertaining, then it should be. But if you read through all this and you can relate, then please, read it again.
Stephenat11:17 PM
